Making Friends
“Formal acquaintance seemed to be the standard in the church. People who had known each other for years were still on handshake and surname terms. Real friendship such as I had grown up with and really valued was almost entirely missing. After a couple of years I was received into membership and ‘received the right hand of fellowship’. But nothing changed… Christian life therefore seemed like a matter of losing all of my old ungodly friends and in their place simply attending meetings.”
Terry paints a bleak picture of how the dead formalism of churchgoing Britain played out relationally in the 1960s. Genuine Spirit-initiated restoration in the church needed to restore genuine friendships as well as touching corporate worship, personal confidence in the gospel and experience of God. The informality of the home setting of the early British house-churches along with the intimacy of falteringly stepping out together in the exercise of the charismatic gifts in a context of ‘open worship’ meant natural friendships started to replace stilted formality. “True friendship calls for open-eyed confrontation as well as melting moments in worship.”
“We are not casual friends, we are blood brothers and sisters in covenant with God and one another”
Terry relays an anecdote about a mother who inherited a tradition of cutting off the ends of the roasting joint an placing them on top before cooking. When her daughter queried it, they asked the grandmother who said she only ever did that because her old oven was so small! “Many a church meeting has as much relevance to the next generation as this strange, inherited and now totally unnecessary custom. When such dead meetings and religious observances become part of our church life they militate against real friendship because they militate against reality itself.”
“When I know that God received you and me just as we are ‘warts and all’, I can receive you similarly.”
“It is only a good friend who will bother to tell you that you always dominate conversations, that you never listen to anyone else, that you are inconsiderate to your wife, that you are too soft on your children, that you put people off because your breath smells or you don’t use deodorant. Is this the kingdom of God, you may ask? Is it down to such pathetic details? Yes. It is the stuff of life.”
“Large congregations do not provide the setting for close and intimate friendship to thrive. The small house groups that we have been led to make use of are far more helpful to that end.” House group leaders are seen as an extension of the discipling ministry exercised by the elders: “As they accumulate experience they can be given more responsibility for the people, and so men can begin to display their potential as possible future elders.”
Terry relays his experience of delegating pastoral responsibility, influenced by Jethro’s words to Moses in Exodus 18:21. “I chose some able and faithful men; able, or nothings is accomplished; faithful, or they divide the church and destroy the work!”
“We discover our place by accepting one another and serving one another in love, not by being preoccupied with a constant search to identify ‘our ministry’.”
There was an emphasis in New Frontiers and other restoration streams upon the discipleship of children primarily within the family home, in line with the Biblical emphasis. Sunday Schools existed as a backup, and evangelism was not aimed at children with the hope of bringing their adults along. Family life involved “recovery of the biblical order of relationships between husband and wife, abandoned by modern society and, sadly, by many in the church.”
“A loving and mutually respectful attitude between husband and wife is the key to a good family life. When children see their father loving, protecting and honouring his wife and giving her her true place in the home, they will learn to respect her themselves… When a wife shows true heart submission to her husband, honouring the dignity he has been given as God’s true appointed head of the house, she demonstrates the way of obedience which her children can follow.”
When Terry introduced open worship, he noticed that the women took to it more readily than the men, perhaps because they already had a higher quality of interpersonal relationships and held daytime prayer fellowships already. His solution was to start gathering men for ‘an unstructured time of fellowship, praise and prayer’ which had the effect of evening up the male-female ratio in contributions at the Sunday meetings.
“We have certainly noticed what a profound impact lively men’s meetings have on those recently converted. Many have their previous concept of church completely shattered in one evening. At the risk of sounding simplistic, we do encourage our men to be men!”
“The ladies are still very evident and fulfilled in our church life. They take part freely in worship meetings through prayer, prophecy, healing, tongues, interpretation, singing, Scripture reading, testifying and, indeed, in every area except where the Bible plainly forbids them. They are therefore not permitted to ‘teach or exercise authority over a man’ (1 Tim 2:12)”
“Within a family setting, true fathers emerge – people whose counsel you really learn to value. They are not imposed from HQ as professionals, but instead emerge from our ranks. The flock of God finds its shepherds with the anointing and gifting of God so that the whole flock becomes secure.”
Conclusion – A lot of very recognisable Newfrontiers emphases are dealt with in this chapter and all through the lens of relationships in the local church. Real relationships underscore discipleship, ecclesiology, family life and the respective and differing roles of husbands and wives. Through this same lens, Terry champions the need for particular effort and attention to authenticity in male relationships for the genuine health of households and the church. This is seen as something which will not flourish unaided.